Is Taking Care of Oneself Selfish?

Introspective people are often accused of being self-absorbed or self-centered. But to look inward and learn to take full responsibility for oneself is the most courageous and unselfish work a human being can do. To find out how and why one is cruel, intolerant, hateful, greedy, blaming, and judging and to learn to let go of the behaviors that accompany those attitudes is 180 degrees from selfish -- it is selfless.

Cheri Huber
Sex & Money...Are Dirty, Aren't They?
(A Guided Journal)

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So then what if we can’t stop the judgmental, critical thoughts, or that “I must fix this” sort of feeling? Well, how would we respond if we found our best friend in that state? Would we tell her she’s being bad? Or tell her to just stop it? I doubt it. I’d want to sit down with her and be supportive, find out what’s underneath all those thoughts, and why she’s feeling that way. I’d want to at least just listen and let her know I care. Can we do that for ourselves? Now THAT is a practice of kindness.

Every time we turn to ourselves with patience and forgiveness for our supposed “failures,” we’re training ourselves to be kind. I find a sense of relief in being honest and authentic with myself in this way. It’s not an admission of failure. I’m not condoning my critical thoughts, but I AM forgiving the person who is having those thoughts.

So the whole idea here is to learn how to BE kind, right now, and not to try to shape myself into some future-oriented image of what I think I should be. The more we practice the act of being kind now, the more it becomes natural to us. This is the practice.

Ask Auntie Suvanna
"Learning to Love Ourselves"
Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

On Just Letting Things Be As They Are

Can we let go and be happy when we're happy, be sad when we're sad, be upset when we're upset, be lonely when we're lonely, be frightened when we're frightened?

Can we simply be whatever it is without needing to be someone who is having that experience?

Can each experience simply happen and that be all right?

- Cheri Huber

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It's not a matter of letting go -- you would if you could. Instead of "Let it go," we should probably say "Let it be."

Jon Kabat-Zinn

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Quote of the Day - Nora Ephron

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Harry Burns
When Harry Met Sally
1989

Greeting Card Sentiment

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

Noble Silence

Noble Silence

Listening takes place not just through the ears, but with all the senses. Sometimes the best way to prepare ourselves to hear in a new and better way is to be still and silent. When we quiet our motor minds — and our motor mouths — we find that we are better able to open our hearts. The ancient practice of Noble Silence helps us begin the process of hearing in a new way; this is a timeless and wise practice that helps us be more sensitive and perceptive.

Noble Silence traditionally begins with a vow to keep silent for a specific period of time. It can be an hour, a day, a week, or a month. There are practitioners who have kept Noble Silence for years. There is even a practice of lifetime silence in India called 'maun.' The famous master Meher Baba was a mauni baba, a silent holy man. He used a small blackboard to spell out his succinct messages, like 'Don't worry, be happy,' long before the reggae song was written.

If you want to try a period of Noble Silence, remember that it is a rest for all of the senses. Turn off the radio, the phone, the television. Enjoy a fast from the news. Turn off the thoughts in your head. Stay quiet. Take refuge in the inner calm and peace of the quiet mind. Don't write, don't read, don't surf the Net. Keep still. Listen to the sounds around you. What do you hear? What do you see? Open your eyes, open your ears, open your heart. Think of the ancient Christian exercise. Be still. Listen to the inner voice, and know God. This is how we learn to cultivate higher levels of hearing, perception, and vision.

'For someone deeply trapped in a prison of thought, how good it can feel to meet a mind that hears, a heart that reassures. It's as if a listening mind is, in and of itself, an invitation to another mind to listen too. How much it can mean when we accept the invitation and hear the world anew.'

From How Can I Help by Ram Dass and Paul Gorman.

"The Shining" -- Badly Drawn Boy

Faith pours from your walls
Drowning your calls
I've tried to hear
You're not near

Remembering when
I saw your face
Shining my way
Pure timing

Now I've fallen in deep
Slow silent sleep
It's killing me
I'm dying

To put a little bit of sunshine in your life

Soleil
All over you
Warm sun
Pours over me
Soleil
All over you
Warm sun

Now this slick fallen rift
Came like a gift
Your body moves
Ever nearer

And you will dry this tear
Now that we're here
And grieve for me
Not history

But now I'm dry of thoughts
Wait for the rain
Then it's replaced
Sun setting

And suddenly we're in love with everything

Soleil
All over you
Warm sun
Pours over me
Soleil
All over you
Warm sun

On Love

Thich Naht Hanh:

We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love.

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When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept. We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable.

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Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice.

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Zora Neale Hurston:

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.

On Love

I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart. - Alice Walker

On Acceptance

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Meet Danny Wilson

Obsessively listening to "Meet Danny Wilson" lately.

Most people know Danny Wilson from their one-hit-wonder big hit, "Mary's Prayer," but I actually bought their album and listened to it endlessly for a good part of 1987 and 1988 (does anyone still do that? Buy an album and listen to the entire thing again and again until every note is engraved on her soul? Or has the single-song downloadabilty of iTunes made that a relic of a different era?).

"Steam Trains to the Milky Way" is one of my favorite cuts on the record, and has one of the most beautiful slice of life lyrics I've ever heard:

I bought some gardenias at the market place
And I saw some old men playing checkers
And love on a young girl's face
Sing "When You're Smiling" for the boy's return
Inside the fire is on and every friend I own is singing my favorite song

Isn't that a pretty little meander?

But my favorite song on that record (yes, I still call them records) is "You Remain an Angel." I haven't been able to find it on youtube, though admittedly I haven't looked very hard. I've actually spent more time deciphering the first line, which as it's sung is an unintelligible mess, so stumbling on the lyric on MySpace (soooo 2003) feels like winning the lottery. Okay, maybe not in a "Woohoo-I can retire-hello boss I quit" way, more like an "I won twenty bucks in scratch-off" way. But still. You take the little victories with the big.

I know it's pretty lame of me to write about a song without posting a video or audio to go with it, but too bad.  My blog, my rules, subject to change arbitrarily depending on my mood, which today is: Watchful. Not wary, exactly, just with a heightened sense of paying attention. Like a deer that suddenly lifts its head at the snap of a distant twig or a tickle of scent, ears quivering. Frozen in place and just...listening.

Here's the song lyric, which I pinched from the Danny Wilson blog on myspace:

You belong in heaven
With all the other angels
Do you believe in angels?
I'll tell you angels believe in you

Good morning misguided I misunderstood
I'm on my knees before you
You show me a ditch were a palace stood and
I will still adore you

I know you belong in another brilliant world
Where the skies are bluer than blue
I know this song is never gonna change the world

You remain an angel in my eyes
So rest your weary wings
And hang your heavy halo high
When I'm gone I hope you realize
Above all other things you are
An angel in my eyes

I once heard you sing and
I could not believe
You sang like a hero
Now who is this poison that makes you behave
Like Robert De Niro
I know you belong in heaven
You can stop pretending the habit is bigger than you
I know this song can maybe have a happy ending

When I'm gone I hope you realize bove all other things
You are an angel in my eyes

One day soon I'll paint my name
On the walls of the city of love and fame
I'll stake my claim on the northernmost tip of citizenship
I will wish you well
Here's some summer music
For an angel

Well anyway thank you for pushing a smile my way
You sang like a hero
You sang the same song on a different day
Like Robert De Niro
And I know I was wrong to think that we could be together for sixty or seventy years
But at least I believed we could make it up 'til here

You remain an angel in my eyes
No rest for weary wings
So hang your heavy halo high

When I'm gone I hope you realize
Above all other things you are
And the things you do
Friends may come and go
But you
Will remain an angel in my eyes

Shoulding All Over Ourselves

I promise a better update, and soon, but the last week has been a challenge of paying attention, listening to what goes on with my heart, and challenging the "shoulds" that I've been trained to believe: 

I should be reacting to my mother's death a certain way, I should be feeling certain things and should be demonstrating those feelings in a socially-expected and socially-acceptable manner (weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes), and my family should be doing certain things with regard to my mother's death.

Now I should go back to work.  And that's not a conditioned "should" -- I actually have to earn a living here.

"It's Different For Girls" - Joe Jackson

Just because this one is fun.  And true. Well, at least for me.



What the hell is wrong with you tonight?
I can't seem to say or do the right thing
Wanted to be sure you're feeling right
Wanted to be sure we want the same thing

She said, I can't believe it
You can't, possibly mean it
Don't we, all want the same thing
Don't we
Well, who said anything about love?

No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
You're all the same

Mama always told me save yourself
Take a little time and find the right girl
Then again don't end up on the shelf
Logical advice gets you in a whirl

I know, a lot of things that you don't
You wanna hear some?
She said, just give me something
Anything
Well give me all you got but not love

No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same

Who said anything about love?

No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, no, no, no, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, no, no, no, no, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same

Natalia Zukerman

Natalia Zukerman

Because she's an incredible finger-pickin' guitar player.

Because of that coffee-with-a-little-bit-of-cream voice.

Because you listen to her music and can't pinpoint just exactly kinda what precisely is her genre.

Because she's musical royalty.

Just because.

Oh, just listen because.

Shenpa

A very long and fascinating talk about getting "hooked," by Pema Chodron.  Along the same lines as "attachment."

On Having Buttons

"When Our Buttons Are Pushed"

Each of us has "buttons" -- areas where we are sensitive.  When our buttons are pushed, we fly off the handle, blaming the other person for upsetting us. But our being upset is a dependently arising process.  We contribute the buttons, and the other person does the pushing.  If we didn't have the buttons, others couldn't push them.

Our buttons are our responsibility.  As long as we have them, someone will push them, especially since they are big, red, and flashing.  Our buttons are so sensitive, that even if a person walks by, the breeze from his passage will trigger our button's detector and our alarm will ring, "That person is offending (harming, criticizing, deceiving, manipulating, cheating, etc.) me!"  Although many times people have no intention of harming us, our buttons get pushed just because they are so sensitive.

We need to do internal research, asking ourselves what our buttons are and why we are so sensitive in those particular areas.  Our sensitivity generally has to do with attachment.  If we are able to identify and then reduce our attachments, our buttons shrink.  Then even if someone wants to push them, doing so is harder.  Realized spiritual beings have no buttons left to push, so no matter how others treat them, they do not become upset.

We may think that if someone deliberately insults us, it's correct to be angry. However, such thinking is illogical.  We would be giving our power to the other person, in which case his intention -- which we cannot control -- would be governing our happiness and suffering.  Whether or not another person wishes us ill does not matter.  We still have a choice whether to be offended.  The less we are attached, for example, to praise and reputation, the less miffed we will become, because our mind will not interpret situations as personal assaults.

Thubten Chodron
"Working With Anger"
2001

On Art and Suffering

Since moving to New York, she had been gradually abandoning her old ideas about the nobility of suffering. The more suffering she witnessed -- and the New York art world was wormy with it -- the less she subscribed to it. Some pain came with the territory, of course, but most suffering artists were narcissists, she was starting to believe. Narcissistic artists seemed attached to agony, to the writhe and the whine, to the yowl, the howl, and the botched suicide; their fits of despair (preferably in public) carefully timed to impress the seriousness of their aesthetic upon critics and collectors. In the past, she'd embraced the suffering artist image, she supposed, but in her heart she had always considered artisthood more of a privilege than a curse, and those to whom the creative life brought only misery, she now invited to go into food service. The world could always use another waitress, another fry cook.

Tom Robbins
"Skinny Legs and All"
1990

Random Definition: Beguile

be·guile
tr.v. be·guiled, be·guil·ing, be·guiles

1. To deceive by guile; delude.

2. To take away from by or as if by guile; cheat: a disease that has beguiled me of strength.

3. To distract the attention of; divert: "to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming" (Abraham Lincoln).

4. To pass (time) pleasantly.

5. To amuse or charm; delight.

I find it interesting sometimes that the most commonly assumed definition of a word is frequently lowest in the hierarchy of definitions.

Take this word, "beguile.". You tend to think of it as something good, right? And generally feminine. Her beguiling smile, etc.

We think that describing someone as "beguiling" is a compliment. But you'd have to consider the source, and possibly even facial expressions, I guess. For if someone super wordnerdy described, say, Angelina Jolie as beguiling, but with a sardonic twist to his mouth, the presumed definition would be, "conniving husband stealer." But if the same person said it with a smile and a twinkle in his eye, it would mean that Angie is the most captivating example of human flesh ever.

Just a random thought about a silly little word.

Perfect Happiness

On a hot New York Saturday, sometimes your choices are this: 

Or this:

Which doesn't really leave much choice, does it, except getting on the subway and heading to the beach.

A hot, sunny low-humidity day, on the beach at Coney Island with my unread book on one side, a thawing bottle of water on the other, and four guys set up next to me with loud salsa music playing. They all have gourds and cowbells and other percussion of sunshiny music and they are jamming away.


Salsa -- perfect New York street music.

Coney Island -- perfect New York place.

I look around me and everyone is moving their shoulders, their feet, their heads, their fingers, in time to the music, then I look over at the guys and they flash their perfect white smiles at me while nodding along to the music, never missing a beat -- perfect New York moment.

I do believe this could fall under the category of "Perfect Happiness."

Portland was nice, but like most of my infatuations, short-lived and in retrospect, really, well, white. Give me New York City's cafe-au-lait complexion any day.

On Work and Results

Do not depend on the hope of results.  You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and achieve no result at all, if not, perhaps, bring about its opposite. And as you get used to this idea you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself.

Thomas Merton

On Values and Priorities

The following reflections can help us stay grounded in reality and conscious of what's truly important:

1.  I have been blessed with a life in which I can do many things to further my own happiness and the happiness of those around me.

2.  Life is short; there is no time to waste.

3.  The journey through life isn't supposed to be easy; it's supposed to be real.

4.  Our karma is the one thing we carry with us always.

Lama Surya Das