On Just Letting Things Be As They Are

Can we let go and be happy when we're happy, be sad when we're sad, be upset when we're upset, be lonely when we're lonely, be frightened when we're frightened?

Can we simply be whatever it is without needing to be someone who is having that experience?

Can each experience simply happen and that be all right?

- Cheri Huber

* * * * * * * * * *

It's not a matter of letting go -- you would if you could. Instead of "Let it go," we should probably say "Let it be."

Jon Kabat-Zinn

* * * * * * * * * *



 

Quote of the Day - Nora Ephron

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Harry Burns
When Harry Met Sally
1989

Greeting Card Sentiment

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

Noble Silence

Noble Silence

Listening takes place not just through the ears, but with all the senses. Sometimes the best way to prepare ourselves to hear in a new and better way is to be still and silent. When we quiet our motor minds — and our motor mouths — we find that we are better able to open our hearts. The ancient practice of Noble Silence helps us begin the process of hearing in a new way; this is a timeless and wise practice that helps us be more sensitive and perceptive.

Noble Silence traditionally begins with a vow to keep silent for a specific period of time. It can be an hour, a day, a week, or a month. There are practitioners who have kept Noble Silence for years. There is even a practice of lifetime silence in India called 'maun.' The famous master Meher Baba was a mauni baba, a silent holy man. He used a small blackboard to spell out his succinct messages, like 'Don't worry, be happy,' long before the reggae song was written.

If you want to try a period of Noble Silence, remember that it is a rest for all of the senses. Turn off the radio, the phone, the television. Enjoy a fast from the news. Turn off the thoughts in your head. Stay quiet. Take refuge in the inner calm and peace of the quiet mind. Don't write, don't read, don't surf the Net. Keep still. Listen to the sounds around you. What do you hear? What do you see? Open your eyes, open your ears, open your heart. Think of the ancient Christian exercise. Be still. Listen to the inner voice, and know God. This is how we learn to cultivate higher levels of hearing, perception, and vision.

'For someone deeply trapped in a prison of thought, how good it can feel to meet a mind that hears, a heart that reassures. It's as if a listening mind is, in and of itself, an invitation to another mind to listen too. How much it can mean when we accept the invitation and hear the world anew.'

From How Can I Help by Ram Dass and Paul Gorman.

"The Shining" -- Badly Drawn Boy

Faith pours from your walls
Drowning your calls
I've tried to hear
You're not near

Remembering when
I saw your face
Shining my way
Pure timing

Now I've fallen in deep
Slow silent sleep
It's killing me
I'm dying

To put a little bit of sunshine in your life

Soleil
All over you
Warm sun
Pours over me
Soleil
All over you
Warm sun

Now this slick fallen rift
Came like a gift
Your body moves
Ever nearer

And you will dry this tear
Now that we're here
And grieve for me
Not history

But now I'm dry of thoughts
Wait for the rain
Then it's replaced
Sun setting

And suddenly we're in love with everything

Soleil
All over you
Warm sun
Pours over me
Soleil
All over you
Warm sun

On Love

Thich Naht Hanh:

We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love.

* * * * * * * * * *

When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept. We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable.

* * * * * * * * * *

Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice.

* * * * * * * * * *

Zora Neale Hurston:

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.

On Love

I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart. - Alice Walker

On Acceptance

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Meet Danny Wilson

Obsessively listening to "Meet Danny Wilson" lately.

Most people know Danny Wilson from their one-hit-wonder big hit, "Mary's Prayer," but I actually bought their album and listened to it endlessly for a good part of 1987 and 1988 (does anyone still do that? Buy an album and listen to the entire thing again and again until every note is engraved on her soul? Or has the single-song downloadabilty of iTunes made that a relic of a different era?).

"Steam Trains to the Milky Way" is one of my favorite cuts on the record, and has one of the most beautiful slice of life lyrics I've ever heard:

I bought some gardenias at the market place
And I saw some old men playing checkers
And love on a young girl's face
Sing "When You're Smiling" for the boy's return
Inside the fire is on and every friend I own is singing my favorite song

Isn't that a pretty little meander?

But my favorite song on that record (yes, I still call them records) is "You Remain an Angel." I haven't been able to find it on youtube, though admittedly I haven't looked very hard. I've actually spent more time deciphering the first line, which as it's sung is an unintelligible mess, so stumbling on the lyric on MySpace (soooo 2003) feels like winning the lottery. Okay, maybe not in a "Woohoo-I can retire-hello boss I quit" way, more like an "I won twenty bucks in scratch-off" way. But still. You take the little victories with the big.

I know it's pretty lame of me to write about a song without posting a video or audio to go with it, but too bad.  My blog, my rules, subject to change arbitrarily depending on my mood, which today is: Watchful. Not wary, exactly, just with a heightened sense of paying attention. Like a deer that suddenly lifts its head at the snap of a distant twig or a tickle of scent, ears quivering. Frozen in place and just...listening.

Here's the song lyric, which I pinched from the Danny Wilson blog on myspace:

You belong in heaven
With all the other angels
Do you believe in angels?
I'll tell you angels believe in you

Good morning misguided I misunderstood
I'm on my knees before you
You show me a ditch were a palace stood and
I will still adore you

I know you belong in another brilliant world
Where the skies are bluer than blue
I know this song is never gonna change the world

You remain an angel in my eyes
So rest your weary wings
And hang your heavy halo high
When I'm gone I hope you realize
Above all other things you are
An angel in my eyes

I once heard you sing and
I could not believe
You sang like a hero
Now who is this poison that makes you behave
Like Robert De Niro
I know you belong in heaven
You can stop pretending the habit is bigger than you
I know this song can maybe have a happy ending

When I'm gone I hope you realize bove all other things
You are an angel in my eyes

One day soon I'll paint my name
On the walls of the city of love and fame
I'll stake my claim on the northernmost tip of citizenship
I will wish you well
Here's some summer music
For an angel

Well anyway thank you for pushing a smile my way
You sang like a hero
You sang the same song on a different day
Like Robert De Niro
And I know I was wrong to think that we could be together for sixty or seventy years
But at least I believed we could make it up 'til here

You remain an angel in my eyes
No rest for weary wings
So hang your heavy halo high

When I'm gone I hope you realize
Above all other things you are
And the things you do
Friends may come and go
But you
Will remain an angel in my eyes

Shoulding All Over Ourselves

I promise a better update, and soon, but the last week has been a challenge of paying attention, listening to what goes on with my heart, and challenging the "shoulds" that I've been trained to believe: 

I should be reacting to my mother's death a certain way, I should be feeling certain things and should be demonstrating those feelings in a socially-expected and socially-acceptable manner (weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes), and my family should be doing certain things with regard to my mother's death.

Now I should go back to work.  And that's not a conditioned "should" -- I actually have to earn a living here.

"It's Different For Girls" - Joe Jackson

Just because this one is fun.  And true. Well, at least for me.



What the hell is wrong with you tonight?
I can't seem to say or do the right thing
Wanted to be sure you're feeling right
Wanted to be sure we want the same thing

She said, I can't believe it
You can't, possibly mean it
Don't we, all want the same thing
Don't we
Well, who said anything about love?

No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
You're all the same

Mama always told me save yourself
Take a little time and find the right girl
Then again don't end up on the shelf
Logical advice gets you in a whirl

I know, a lot of things that you don't
You wanna hear some?
She said, just give me something
Anything
Well give me all you got but not love

No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same

Who said anything about love?

No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, no, no, no, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
(Don't give me love)
No, no, no, no, no, not love she said
Don't you know that it's different for girls?
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same
You're all the same

Natalia Zukerman

Natalia Zukerman

Because she's an incredible finger-pickin' guitar player.

Because of that coffee-with-a-little-bit-of-cream voice.

Because you listen to her music and can't pinpoint just exactly kinda what precisely is her genre.

Because she's musical royalty.

Just because.

Oh, just listen because.

Shenpa

A very long and fascinating talk about getting "hooked," by Pema Chodron.  Along the same lines as "attachment."

On Having Buttons

"When Our Buttons Are Pushed"

Each of us has "buttons" -- areas where we are sensitive.  When our buttons are pushed, we fly off the handle, blaming the other person for upsetting us. But our being upset is a dependently arising process.  We contribute the buttons, and the other person does the pushing.  If we didn't have the buttons, others couldn't push them.

Our buttons are our responsibility.  As long as we have them, someone will push them, especially since they are big, red, and flashing.  Our buttons are so sensitive, that even if a person walks by, the breeze from his passage will trigger our button's detector and our alarm will ring, "That person is offending (harming, criticizing, deceiving, manipulating, cheating, etc.) me!"  Although many times people have no intention of harming us, our buttons get pushed just because they are so sensitive.

We need to do internal research, asking ourselves what our buttons are and why we are so sensitive in those particular areas.  Our sensitivity generally has to do with attachment.  If we are able to identify and then reduce our attachments, our buttons shrink.  Then even if someone wants to push them, doing so is harder.  Realized spiritual beings have no buttons left to push, so no matter how others treat them, they do not become upset.

We may think that if someone deliberately insults us, it's correct to be angry. However, such thinking is illogical.  We would be giving our power to the other person, in which case his intention -- which we cannot control -- would be governing our happiness and suffering.  Whether or not another person wishes us ill does not matter.  We still have a choice whether to be offended.  The less we are attached, for example, to praise and reputation, the less miffed we will become, because our mind will not interpret situations as personal assaults.

Thubten Chodron
"Working With Anger"
2001

On Art and Suffering

Since moving to New York, she had been gradually abandoning her old ideas about the nobility of suffering. The more suffering she witnessed -- and the New York art world was wormy with it -- the less she subscribed to it. Some pain came with the territory, of course, but most suffering artists were narcissists, she was starting to believe. Narcissistic artists seemed attached to agony, to the writhe and the whine, to the yowl, the howl, and the botched suicide; their fits of despair (preferably in public) carefully timed to impress the seriousness of their aesthetic upon critics and collectors. In the past, she'd embraced the suffering artist image, she supposed, but in her heart she had always considered artisthood more of a privilege than a curse, and those to whom the creative life brought only misery, she now invited to go into food service. The world could always use another waitress, another fry cook.

Tom Robbins
"Skinny Legs and All"
1990

Random Definition: Beguile

be·guile
tr.v. be·guiled, be·guil·ing, be·guiles

1. To deceive by guile; delude.

2. To take away from by or as if by guile; cheat: a disease that has beguiled me of strength.

3. To distract the attention of; divert: "to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming" (Abraham Lincoln).

4. To pass (time) pleasantly.

5. To amuse or charm; delight.

I find it interesting sometimes that the most commonly assumed definition of a word is frequently lowest in the hierarchy of definitions.

Take this word, "beguile.". You tend to think of it as something good, right? And generally feminine. Her beguiling smile, etc.

We think that describing someone as "beguiling" is a compliment. But you'd have to consider the source, and possibly even facial expressions, I guess. For if someone super wordnerdy described, say, Angelina Jolie as beguiling, but with a sardonic twist to his mouth, the presumed definition would be, "conniving husband stealer." But if the same person said it with a smile and a twinkle in his eye, it would mean that Angie is the most captivating example of human flesh ever.

Just a random thought about a silly little word.

Perfect Happiness

On a hot New York Saturday, sometimes your choices are this: 

Or this:

Which doesn't really leave much choice, does it, except getting on the subway and heading to the beach.

A hot, sunny low-humidity day, on the beach at Coney Island with my unread book on one side, a thawing bottle of water on the other, and four guys set up next to me with loud salsa music playing. They all have gourds and cowbells and other percussion of sunshiny music and they are jamming away.


Salsa -- perfect New York street music.

Coney Island -- perfect New York place.

I look around me and everyone is moving their shoulders, their feet, their heads, their fingers, in time to the music, then I look over at the guys and they flash their perfect white smiles at me while nodding along to the music, never missing a beat -- perfect New York moment.

I do believe this could fall under the category of "Perfect Happiness."

Portland was nice, but like most of my infatuations, short-lived and in retrospect, really, well, white. Give me New York City's cafe-au-lait complexion any day.

On Work and Results

Do not depend on the hope of results.  You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and achieve no result at all, if not, perhaps, bring about its opposite. And as you get used to this idea you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself.

Thomas Merton

On Values and Priorities

The following reflections can help us stay grounded in reality and conscious of what's truly important:

1.  I have been blessed with a life in which I can do many things to further my own happiness and the happiness of those around me.

2.  Life is short; there is no time to waste.

3.  The journey through life isn't supposed to be easy; it's supposed to be real.

4.  Our karma is the one thing we carry with us always.

Lama Surya Das

"Wild West" -- Joe Jackson

"Wild West"
Joe Jackson

Out to the west there’s a trail that leads somewhere
And a call of the wild that takes some people there
Through Monument Valley to California sun
From New Amsterdam to the way the west was won

Well years will go by when you won’t get nowhere
You’re cold and you’re tired and you’re free and you don’t care

You keep pushin’ on when your friends keep turning back
You keep building towns and laying railroad track
And things get crazy and you have to use that gun
And you wonder if this is the way the west is won

But keep thinkin’ that way and you won’t get nowhere
’cause you got a right just to get where you’re goin’ to
Gotta keep runnin’ gotta be the best
Gotta walk tall in the wild west

You keep on the move or you try to settle down
And there’s strangers from further and further away in town
And you give them some tools and they know what must be done
And you knowwho's the boss and you know the west was won
And they say . . .

Where I come from, you can’t get nowhere
I’m breaking my back for some opportunity
Making my fortune and I’ll take it all home
Tell my kids about the wild west

And there’s still beauty as the flowers bloom on desert sands
And there’s still hope as the sun rises over the Rio Grande
But it’s so crowded now and nothing’s simple anymore
And they’re still knocking at your door

You hear guns in the night and you hope they’re not for you
’cause a dog eats a dog then he eats his master too
In the land of the free and the not so often brave
There’s both love or money now choose which you will save

But . . . keep thinkin’ that way and you won’t get nowhere
’cause you got a right just to get where you’re goin’ to
Gotta keep runnin’ gotta be the best
Gotta walk tall in the wild west

I Speak to Fewer People

I have been in touch lately with my inner self, the fruit picker who lived all those years in a motel. I shaded my story so it proved everything I did was by intention. After each love affair, each participant received a little gift. I mean someone always said: You didn’t really love her. I speak to fewer people than ever. No matter what it looks like—I say this every chance I get—something divine is going on. And wonder: Is it? I’d like to lose a little weight. Just the same, the marriage had its good points. I still can’t tell you what I am known for. I’m easily shamed. On my walks I hope to meet someone interesting, someone I have been headed toward all my life, or simply someone without too much guile, a friendly person with a little intelligence. Maybe we will walk along together, talking about romance or trucks.

Charlie Smith
"Word Comix"

"Every Time You Go Away" -- Hall & Oates

Every Time You Go Away
Daryl Hall

I'm not posting this song for any reason except it totally kicks ass. And I'm too lazy and jetlagged right now to do more than fuck around on youtube.

It's not the sugary-sweet pop version by Paul Young, but the original, gospel and soul version sung by the guys who wrote it. There's a "Live at the Apollo" version on youtube as well, complete with GE Smith (I always forget he was H&O's guy before he was SNL's guy), but I kinda prefer the tempo of this one.

Daryl Hall kills it. This is blue-eyed soul.

Curtis Salgado's version out there on Rhapsody is pretty good.

And frankly, if you come back and say you like the insipid Paul Young version better, then well, I'll have to break the news to you that you either have no soul -- or you are some kind of girl. (For some reason, I find girls tend to like the sugar-pop versions of songs better than the grittier versions of songs. Why is that? Has anyone ever done a study of that?)

A Disclaimer

So in case anyone's out there getting conceited about the song choice lately, get the fuck over yourself.  These are songs I happen to love, and if you want to reverse-project them onto yourself, that's fine, too.  But, no, they aren't about you, you narcissist.

"Waiting For My Real Life to Begin" -- Colin Hay

"Waiting for My Real Life to Begin"
Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

"Hallelujah" Leonard Cohen, performed by kd lang

Hallelujah
Leonard Cohen

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
This is love not some kind of a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Yeah but it's not a complaint that you hear tonight
It's not the laughter of someone who claims to have seen the light
No it's a cold and it's a very lonely Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah…

Leonard Cohen 1984 & 1994

kd's voice truly is a gift from some otherworldly place.  magic.  And this song is nothing short of genius, and if you don't hear that, then you need new ears, or a new brain, or something.

On Getting Over Yourself

"Something tells me, though, that what you need to do for your art and your mental health is cure yourself of romanticism, of the need for being out of your head, of drama and longing and cleverness, cure yourself even of your own attractiveness, cure yourself of your image of yourself as a woman living a creative life, cure yourself of desire, of the need for acceptance, cure yourself of cuteness and the need for cuteness in others.

Cure yourself of rock 'n' roll and thinness and artistic ideas and academic titles, cure yourself of studios and theses and advisors and tuition, cure yourself of matriculation and postgraduate research. Cure yourself of ambition and boredom and self-defensiveness and self-consciousness and be very uncool for a while; be as uncool as you possibly can be. Give up on thrift shops. Grieve for the heroin addict. Wear only Ban-Lon shirts. Stop going to the nightclub you keep going to. Disappear so your friends wonder where you are and when they finally see you, be evasive. Become difficult and stubborn. Concentrate on your art. Concentrate on technique. Sit on the floor and try to breathe normally.

Try doing that for the rest of your life, and see if it doesn't help."

Cary Tennis
salon.com
5/28/02

Barf-Worthy (UPDATED WITH SPOOF)

Okay, I don't normally post the cynical side of myself here, but seriously? Dude?  You make me want to throw up.

From one of those "poor women in New York of a certain age," I have to say, grow the fuck up and move ON, dude.

And a hearty "fuck you," too.

UPDATE:  Here's a send-up.

"Simple" -- kd lang / David Pitch

Simple
kd lang / David Pitch

Flawless light in a darkening air
Alone...and shining there
Love will not elude you
Love is simple

I worship this tenacity
And the beautiful struggle we're in
Love will not elude us
Love is simple

Be sure to know that
All in love
Is ours
That love, as a philosophy
Is simple

I am calm in oblivion
Calm, as I ever have been
Love will not elude me
Love is simple

Be sure to know that
All in love
Is ours...
Is ours...
That all in love
Is ours

That love, as a philosophy
Is simple...
And ours...

Just listen. It's almost a prayer.

On Self-Trust

Be strong then, and enter into your own body;
there you have a solid place for your feet.
Think about it carefully!
Don't go off somewhere else!
Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of
    imaginary things,
and stand firm in that which you are.

Kabir

Ciao! (meow in my general direction for more info -- contact information in my profile)

On Grief

All those years I fell for the great palace lie that grief should be gotten over as quickly as possible and as privately. But what I've discovered since is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it. San Francisco is a city in grief, we are a world in grief, and it is at once intolerable and a great opportunity. I'm pretty sure that it is only by experiencing that ocean of sadness in a naked and immediate way that we come to be healed -- which is to say, that we come to experience life with a real sense of presence and spaciousness and peace.
* * * * * * * * * *
I was terribly erratic: feeling so holy and serene some moments that I was sure I was going to end up dating the Dalai Lama. Then the grief and craziness would hit again, and I would be in Broken Mind, back in the howl.
* * * * * * * * * *
A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may have indeed fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave, you will be able to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination.

Anne Lamott
Traveling Mercies

On Expectations and Responsibility

The ways I think the world expects me to be are the ways I've been taught to believe I should be.
People are judging and criticising and dismissing me all the time, but as long as I'm meeting my standards of how I should be, I don't even notice.
As soon as I don't meet my standards, I think other people know that I'm not and are judging me as harshly as I'm judging myself.
Are you willing to give up your life for what you think other people might be thinking?
Think about it.
Has giving up your own life brought the acceptance and approval you've always wanted?
Has not being who you really are brought the joy and fulfillment you've been seeking?
* * * * *
Whatever you do, recognize that you are doing it for you and enjoy it. If you realize you no longer want to do it, STOP.
"Isn't that irresponsible?"
You'll never know until you stop and find out. You could practice with some of the many little things you do and hate but continue to do because you believe you should or someone told you you should.
If you're responsible because you're afraid not to be, you're not responsible, you're afraid.

Cheri Huber

On Conditioning

The part of us that holds a conditioned belief is not going to give it up willingly. A part -- in this case the part of you that holds beliefs about selfishness, about who is and who isn't selfish, about what does and does not constitute selfish behavior -- will cling to an identification with your conditioning -- not in spite of the suffering created by those beliefs, but because of the suffering created by those beliefs. This is a perfect example of the world of conditioned illusion, or delusion. The stage is set: Life is this way, people should be this way, people who are the way they should be are good and will be rewarded, people who are not the way they should be are bad and will be punished. It may sound familiar -- but none of it was ever true.

"I don't understand how my seeing their lack of care (selfishness, which is proven in a reality check) makes me selfish." Ah, the subtleties.  First of all, was there a reality check? Consulting our conditioned views for verification of our conditioned views and getting a verification is not a reality check. The critical piece we have to grasp is that our conditioned view of the world is simply our conditioned view of the world. We can find others whose views are the same, but that just means our conditioning is the same; it doesn't mean that we're right or that our view is "true." (emphasis mine)

"I see a person as selfish." Well, where does that idea come from? It comes from my conditioned standard of selfishness. That person's behavior doesn't meet my standard, that's all.

Cheri Huber
How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
2000, Hay House

On The Soul

The Greeks told the story of the minotaur, the bull-headed flesh-eating man who lived in the center of the labyrinth. He was a threatening beast, and yet his name was Asterion -- Star. I often think of this paradox as I sit with someone with tears in her eyes, searching for some way to deal with a death, a divorce, or a depression. It is a beast, this thing that stirs in the core of her being, but it is also the star of her innermost nature. We have to care for this suffering with extreme reverence so that, in our fear and anger at the beast, we do not overlook the star.

Thomas Moore
Care of the Soul
1992, HarperCollins Publishers

* * * * * * * * * *

We would rather be ruined than changed.
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.

- W.H.Auden

On Fear

Fear is not what you think it is. Fear is not who you are underneath your facade. Fear is not the real you that you must somehow fix or improve or overcome. Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom. The stronger the fear, the closer you are to what you are seeking. If you want to stay "safe (i.e. stuck where you are), fear tells you to stop what you are doing, But if you want to be free, fear lets you know you are on the right track, it is a signal to push ahead in the same direction, to pick up the pace.

Cheri Huber

On Forgiveness

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.

Maya Angelou

* * * * * * * * * *

Forgiveness is the final form of love.

Reinhold Niebuhr

On Kindness and Conditioning

It is possible that with the awareness that you have been unkind toward someone, you might realize, in a gentle sort of way,

'I don't want to do that. It doesn't feel very good.'

And it's not that you're a bad person, or even that you shouldn't be that way; it's just that you don't want to be unkind because it hurts your heart.

When you are open to that awareness, you won't need to try to be different, for in that gentle approach, you will already have changed.

* * * * * * * * * *

When we sit still in meditation, we don't scratch if we have an itch.  Now, this drives people crazy. I've had people say, 'This is demented. How could not scratching when you itch have something to do with spiritual practice?' It has everything to do with spiritual practice because it's that "It itches, I must scratch" response that is at the root of most of our suffering.

But you can just notice that it itches (ah, itching) and not have to do anything about it. You can realize that you are having a conditioned response to a sensation. You don't have to take it personally. You don't have to respond to it.

If you once learn that you don't have to respond that way, you're free of it. You prove to yourself that you won't die and you won't go crazy and parts of your body won't fall off. You can just be there and be perfectly fine. Then something hurts and you can sit through that. It just becomes interesting. You're not resisting it any more. It's just kind of fascinating how it hurts there and pretty soon it hurts here and then it doesn't hurt at all.

And then you think, "You know, my leg was hurting." You're sitting there quietly, breathing in, breathing out, and this helpful little voice says, "Wasn't your leg hurting a little while ago?" Suddenly you're in pain again. So we learn to sit still with that. Or, maybe you're obsessing about something. The voice says, "You know, I can't sit here. I can't stand this. I've got to get up and..." And you just sit there. You don't respond to it.

Maybe you become interested in obsession itself. (What is obsession? How do I do that?) Pretty soon you lose interest in that. You become bored with it because it's not making you do anything. Then, maybe you turn your attention to boredom...and you just sit there.

Eventually, it all begins to quiet down.

In the same way, when something happens in life, you no longer believe that you have to respond to it. You've sat still through so many "emergencies," so many "life and death issues," you no longer believe them. In not responding, the very energy, the force, the karmic conditioned force that is behind them, begins to have to feed on itself. It's no longer feeding on you because you're no longer participating in it. It has no fuel. And, eventually, it simply burns itself up. It simply burns itself away.

Cheri Huber
There Is Nothing Wrong With You
1993, Keep it Simple Books